There are loads of different options of custard cream available to shoppers, with all of the major supermarkets having their own interpretation, plus some interesting variations on the genre from other producers. With such a crowded marketplace, it can be pretty tough to know where the best ones are to be found.

I like to think of myself as a consumers champion, so took it upon myself to find Britain’s best custard cream. It’s a tall order, but due to my special talents for comparing things and razor-sharp wit, one I think I’m up to. So, after ringing my friends from Gocompare to secure their help, my mission began in earnest.

Cor, what a lot of biscuits!

Formulation

First and foremost, how does one quantify what makes the perfect custard cream? There’s plenty to take into account.

Appearances aren’t everything, but titillation plays a big role in my enjoyment of custard creams. There aren’t many more attractive sights than a selection of them nestled lovingly on a dish, coquettishly waiting to be devoured and giving you the glad eye. Yum.

But taste is paramount. What’s the blend of butteriness to sweetness? How does the biscuit and filling contrast? And does it have that all important ‘wow’ factor that is so difficult to define?

 Finally, the biscuits’ texture and ‘dunkability’ (how well it responds to immersion in tea or coffee) should be taken into account. There’s nothing worse than losing your biscuit in your tea, after all. I also decided to work in an NCAP-style ‘crash test’, in which the custard cream is dropped from four feet onto a hard surface. Many people also like to enjoy the filling and biscuit separately, so I’ve decided to award a mark for the level of effort needed to prize the biscuit apart, and whether or not it crumbles or not when you do so.

 To work out a final rating, I’ve decided to award an average score, through adding the marks up and dividing by six.

 The contenders

The biscuits show us what they've got...but who will win out?

 Asda

The Walmart-owned giant clearly isn’t going for any reinvention of the wheel (or in this case, biscuit) with its custard cream offer. Packaging follows the traditional yellow colour scheme favoured in custard cream packaging.

The biscuit itself is a tad anaemic, buth with clear markings and text. It splits in two well, and holds up to the crash test admirably – you could easily salvage the biscuit if you drop it, providing you work to the ‘three second rule’.

Taste is favourable, with a good level of sweetness. It’s solid, if unspectacular. However, where the Asda biscuit really falls down is on the dunk test. The one-second submergence leads to deeply unpleasant sogginess. A decent showing, but it could do with being much less porous.

 Aesthetics: 2

Texture: 3

Dunkability: 1

Flavour: 3

Seperation: 3

Crash Test:4

Average: 2.67

Asda Smart Price

Asda’s budget custard cream isn’t a looker from the outside, but that’s to be expected. The biscuit itself doesn’t do much better – it’s pallid, with poorly defined writing, and a helping of unsatisfactory-looking filling. Texture is OK, if a little bit gritty, with a little too much sweetness for my liking. It holds up to dunking far better than its more expensive supermarket stablemate, but fairs poorly on the crash test –it’s safe to say that you won’t be able to recover much of your custard cream should a case of butterfingers strike. Cream-lickers will also be disappointed, with separation proving nigh-on impossible.

Aesthetics: 1

Texture: 2

Dunkability: 3

Flavour: 2

Separation: 0

Crash Test: 2

Average: 1.60

The Co-Op custard cream is certainly a looker...

Co-operative Custard Creams

The Co-Op’s interpretation of the custard cream certainly caused a stir with its convention-defying purple packaging. On opening, the biscuits look very tempting – much browner than their competitors. The text and pattern is sharper than Jeremy Paxman’s best kitchen knives, although on closer inspection the serving of cream is a bit stingy.

Appearances can be deceptive. The flavour of the Co-Up custard cream is bland at best, and the texture akin to cardboard. But it holds up well to dunking, and is surprisingly sturdy despite its flimsy frame.

Despite showing much promise, the Co-Op’s custard cream proves to be a disappointing case of “all fur coat and no knickers.”

Aesthetics: 4

Texture: 1

Dunkability: 3

Flavour: 1

Crash Test: 4

Separation: 3

Average: 2.67

Thank goodness we used safety goggles for this part of the test...

Waitrose Essential Custard Creams

The John Lewis supermarket is regarded to be a little bit upmarket, so how would it’s entry-level custard creams fare in my test?

The packaging is in keeping with a ‘budget’ line, but is clean and uncluttered. The biscuit itself is a pleasing shade, with a reasonably clear pattern. Biting into the biscuit reveals a good crunchy texture, and rip-roaring flavour: not overly sweet and with a generous vanilla cream filling.

The biscuit holds its structural integrity well after dunking. It takes on enough tea to give it an extra edge, but thankfully didn’t get overly waterlogged and floppy.

The Waitrose Custard Cream also performs well in the crash test, with just minor breakage. It’s strength proved a downfall in the separation stakes, with serious muscle required to get to the cream filling. A cut above, make no mistake.

Aesthetics: 3

Texture: 3

Dunkability: 3

Taste: 5

Crash Test: 3

Seperation: 1

Average: 3

 Fox’s Malted Milk Cream

It’s not for the purist but this postmodern biscuit mash-up is so crazy that it might just work. Essentially, what we’ve got is two smaller-than-usual malted milks, with a cream filling. The biscuit looked great, although on separation (which is a doddle) the middle looked overly white and artificial.

The taste dynamic is certainly different – there’s a slight savouriness in keeping with the malted milk genre. It proved a big hit with me and my assistants, though one member of our team was unimpressed, stating that it reminded them of a biscuit for cheese. But most of us agreed that it was spectacular, and took on another dimension altogether when dunked. It even performed well in the crash test. A true tour de force, and proof that daring to be different can really reap rewards.

Aesthetics: 3.5

Texture: 5

Taste: 5

Dunkability: 5

Crash Test: 4

Separation: 4

Average:4.42

The dunk test was crucial in determining the biscuit's final score

 Marks & Spencer

After such fine showings from Waitrose and Fox’s, M&S would have to pull out something pretty special to keep up in my Custard Cream face-off. They certainly look the part, with solid packaging, an attractive shade, even if the biscuit itself is lacking in definition. There’s superb crunch, and the taste is sensational. However, we were a bit disappointed with the over-absorbance of tea leading to a substandard dunking experience.

It’s a brute of a biscuit, with the floor nearly coming off second best in the crash test. But this high structural strength had knock on effects in the separation stakes. Even with serious application, we couldn’t get to the middle.

In all, it’s a very strong showing. But we expected nothing less. After all, these aren’t just any old custard creams…

Aesthetics: 2.5

Texture: 4

Dunkability: 2

Taste: 5

Crash Test: 5

Separation: 1

Average: 3.20  

Morrisons

There’s something warmly reassuring about the very traditional packaging of Morrisson’s custard cream offer. It’s evocative of tea and biscuits round your granny’s house, warm chatter and grateful gulps of tea served from a warmed pot. Unfortunately, the biscuit itself isn’t too hot. There’s a bit too much in the way of sweetness, although it improves markedly with a dunking.  It’s evenly balanced in terms of structural integrity and separation, but in short, is a little disappointing.

Aesthetics: 2

Texture: 1

Dunkability: 4

Flavour: 2

Crash Test: 2

Separation: 2

Average: 2.17

Morrisons Value

The no-frills offering from Morrisons fared similarly to its more expensive brother. It really seems like a case of getting what you pay for, although in mitigation you get a lot of custard creams with decent flavour for your hard-earned money.

Aesthetics: 2

Texture: 2

Dunkability: 2

Taste: 3

Crash Test: 3

Separation: 0

Average: 1.67

Sainsbury’s

Sainsbury’s association with top telly chef Jamie Oliver means that anything that carries the brand’s name comes with a sense of expectation. The packaging is textbook custard cream – bright yellow, with inviting close-ups of the biscuits themselves. On opening, they exhibit a tantalising plumpness, with a greedy dollop of filling in the middle. A little poorly defined in regards to pattern and text, but agreeable nonetheless. However, the biscuit itself is a bit of a let-down. A good workaday number, but don’t expect fireworks.

Aesthetics: 3.25

Texture: 2

Dunkability: 2

Taste: 2

Crash Test: 5

Separation: 4

Average: 3.00

We implemented a crash test to see how the custard cream would fare if dropped.

Sainsbury’s Basics

The bargain-tastic alternative from Sainsbury’s fared similarly than its more expensive counterpart in the all-important texture and taste tests. It’s a good budget option and shouldn’t be overlooked.

Aesthetics: 1.25

Texture: 2

Dunkability: 3

Taste: 2

Crash Test: 5

Separation: 0

Average: 2.04

Spar

A local Spar is a great place to hit if you’re overcome by a sudden custard cream craving and you can’t be bothered to schlep to the supermarket. So, how does its own offer stack up against the mega-mart big boys?

The biscuit looks neat and tidy, if a little pale. It’s a bit gritty texture-wise, and doesn’t take well to dunking either. The taste is standard, if a little on the bland side, although it deals manfully with being dropped from a great height, and is also a breeze to split for quick access to the cream. A safe bet if you’re hankering for some quick, no-strings custard cream action.

Aesthetics: 2.75

Texture: 1

Dunkability: 2

Taste: 2

Crash Test: 4

Separation: 3

Average: 2.45

This custard cream exhibited a particularly plumptious filling.

Tesco

Tesco is by some margin Britain’s biggest retailer, so it must be doing something right. Well, not if the colouring of their custard cream is anything to go by: it’s a pale affair, salvaged by a good pattern and a tasty-looking filling.

When it comes to the eating, this is as solid a custard cream as you’re likely to encounter, with a robust flavour, hearty crunch and a smooth, creamy middle. It’s sturdy, but also easy to open up if you’re so inclined. Recommended.

Aesthetics: 3

Texture: 4

Dunkability: 3

Taste: 3

Crash Test: 3

Separation: 4

Average 2.83

Tesco Value

Not a bad showing for Tesco’s value range at all. Despite being rather flimsy, and being a total non-starter when it comes to dunking, we actually thought it edged the Tesco standard offer’s flavour, with a little bit extra richness. Not bad at all.

Aesthetics: 1.75

Texture: 2

Dunkability: 1

Taste: 4

Crash Test: 2

Separation: 2

Average: 2.13

Tower Gate (Lidl)

This custard cream from Lidl doesn’t look too promising, with naff packaging, uninviting beige tone and indifferent filling. However, when it comes to the eating, it’s a revelation, with a well-balanced flavour and superb crunch-to-smoothness balance. However, performance in the dunking round is pretty woeful, with the biscuit turning into an unpleasant mush. It proves structurally sound in the crash test, and isn’t too much trouble taking it apart either. Proof that you can’t judge a book – or custard cream – by its cover.

Aesthetics: 1.5

Texture: 3

Dunkability: 1

Taste: 3

Crash Test: 3

Separation: 2

Average: 2.41

 FINAL LEAGUE TABLE

1. Fox’s Malted Milk Cream – 4.42

2. M&S – 3.20

3. Waitrose Essential / Sainsbury – 3.00

4. Tesco – 2.83

5. Asda / Co-op – 2.67

6. Spar – 2.45

7. Tower Gate – 2.41

8. Morrissons – 2.17

9. Tesco Value – 2.13

10. Sainsbury Basic – 2.04

11. Morrisons Value – 1.67

12. Asda Smart Price – 1.60

Now THAT'S what I call a gratuitous close-up!

So, in the end, there was one clear winner… and it came from leftfield. Arise the Fox’s Malted Milk Cream, the Gio Compario custard cream champion! It’s a bold biscuit, and proves that taking risks can yield incredible results. Congratulations must also go to M&S, which provided the best of the orthodox creams.

It also seems that when it comes to custard creams, you get what you pay for. Budget biscuits are a good fix, but for the real experience, you’ve got to splash out.

But the only conclusion I’ve come to from this test…is that the search is by no means over. I’m certain that the best custard cream in Britain is still out there – and I need your help to find it! So, get in touch by leaving your suggestions in the comments section of this post.

Custardly yours,

Gio