Gio’s Moustache Master Class

So, you want to grow a moustache do ya? Well you’ve come to the right place.

Growing a manly nose mane requires dedication. You’ll need to develop a thick skin to ignore the ridicule that you’ll undoubtedly encounter on your journey to facial hair nirvana.

Here are some retorts that you may find useful should you encounter a pea-brained moustache hater:

  • Damn, my cover’s blown. And I thought my days of running from the ‘The Man’ were over…
  • I’m trying to look like your wife/girlfriend/mother (delete as appropriate)
  • I’m a lumberjack; it’s part of the uniform
  • I’m sick of getting asked for my ID in (insert name of supermarket here)
  • It’s part of my religion
  • My friends dared me to do it. They also dared me to French kiss the first person who made fun of my ‘tache; so pucker up…

Now, let’s get down to business. A moustache is not only the best present you’ll ever give to your face – it’s a lifestyle, requiring commitment and perseverance. It takes a real man to cultivate a proper mo’. So ask yourself; are you man enough? If you are, then read on.

Here’s how to grow a real moustache. It’s simple really:

  • Stop shaving your upper lip. Keep your cheeks, chin and neck as smooth as you like, but let your mo’ platform go ‘au naturale’
  • Invest in a small pair of scissors. As your whiskers grow you may find them annoying on your lip. Trim them a little and hey presto, no more irritation
  • Now that you’ve got the makings of a proper ‘tache it’s time to train it. Use moustache wax to shape your lip quiff into the desired style. My favourite wax is one containing coconut oil
  • While you sleep, use a moustache snood to keep your pride n’ joy in tip-top shape. No more bad ‘tache days
  • Don’t reinforce the stereotype that facial hair is unhygienic. No one likes a whiffy mo’ so, to keep yours smelling sweet, use a straw for drinking things like milk and soup

As you embark upon your voyage to become a moustachioed man – and, some might say, an all-round better person – try to keep your eyes on the prize. You may be laughed at along the way, but you shall have the last laugh when you reveal your marvelous nose mane to the world.